Traveling Through Wyoming While Processing Matthew Shepard Trauma

Early morning (3-4 AM) in Nebraska, preparing to travel into Wyoming. rswfire is in his RV with his dog Bailey, cooking breakfast and dealing with time zone confusion on his devices. He slept 5-6 hours and expects a emotionally difficult day ahead.

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September 26, 2024

17:02

Author

rswfire

Status

PUBLISHED

Type

TRANSMISSION (CAPTURE)

Temperature

0.00

[0:01] good morning fellow

[0:03] Hammond it's 3:00

[0:06] here or 4 depending on which of my

[0:09] devices you look at because the time

[0:12] don't

[0:15] change so I think I slept five or 6

[0:19] hours I'm not sure

[0:22] which oh but I decided to just get up

[0:24] cuz I could tell I was not going to fall

[0:26] back

[0:27] asleep I have a busy day today I'm

[0:30] heading into Wyoming from

[0:34] Nebraska and there's some things I'd

[0:37] like to do today I'm going to make some

[0:39] breakfast I'm going to cook up a bunch

[0:41] of sausage and

[0:43] just um store that in my fridge so that

[0:47] I can mix that in with my eggs every

[0:49] morning and you know I haven't been

[0:51] cooking

[0:53] so I'm excited to do that I'm going to

[0:55] do that this

[0:58] morning yeah got a little bit of work to

[1:02] do in here need to go take a

[1:05] shower um Here Comes Bailey and just I

[1:10] just there's just a lot that I need to

[1:11] do this morning before I head into

[1:13] Wyoming I feel

[1:17] like I'm avoiding

[1:22] it today is going to be a heavy day for

[1:25] me which means that this video is going

[1:27] to be very heavy

[1:30] and that's because I associate Wyoming

[1:33] with the worst hate

[1:36] crime of my

[1:38] lifetime something that shaped me for

[1:41] decades and that was the murder of

[1:43] Matthew

[1:46] Shepard it's decades ago now I think I

[1:49] was 21 at the time I was the same age he

[1:52] was when he was

[1:55] murdered yeah and it shaped

[2:00] I shaped my life it stru me to my

[2:07] core and of course you should

[2:13] not Define an entire state by one act

[2:17] it's not what I'm

[2:22] doing but everything is interconnected

[2:25] in the way my brain works where

[2:27] everything is

[2:30] is interconnected or you know it's just

[2:32] a relational mindset I associate an

[2:35] associative mind I associate Wyoming

[2:39] with

[2:40] that and I wasn't

[2:48] consciously thinking about it as I was

[2:50] planning my route but it was there in

[2:53] the back of my mind something I can't

[2:56] avoid cuz whenever I hear the just the

[2:59] word l

[3:00] me I think I'm Matthew

[3:05] Shepherd we're not heading there today

[3:09] fortunately I think I would actually

[3:11] want to avoid that place to be honest

[3:13] with

[3:18] you CU you

[3:20] guys many of you can't possibly

[3:25] understand what that day did for many

[3:28] people like me

[3:37] I lost my faith in humanity that

[3:40] day not because of two

[3:44] men but because

[3:47] of the

[3:53] aftermath the ugliness I saw in

[3:57] people the justification

[4:00] the

[4:01] homophobia the

[4:03] hatred the fear cuz that's all it is at

[4:06] its

[4:12] core the inability to just let other

[4:15] people exist in the

[4:17] world when they're different than

[4:28] you I I grew up hating

[4:34] myself internalizing the homophobia that

[4:38] many of you project into the

[4:42] world and I didn't deserve that and

[4:45] nobody deserves that the people that are

[4:47] growing up

[4:49] today this isn't an issue that's over

[4:52] you understand that

[4:57] right I don't talk about this a lot on

[4:59] my

[5:04] channel but I am gay I'm never hit that

[5:15] fact and the hatred that I see

[5:18] especially in older Generations who tend

[5:20] to follow my channel is something that

[5:26] I I don't respect

[5:39] if you don't know who Matthew Shepard

[5:43] is please look him

[5:49] up I have a feeling that we'll be

[5:51] talking more about him in this video as

[5:54] I travel through that state because

[5:59] I associate the

[6:03] T I'm not kidding you when I tell you

[6:06] today it's going to be hard I've already

[6:08] been crying a little

[6:12] bit you can't hold a whole state

[6:14] responsible for one event

[6:17] but I think that they would love for

[6:21] that memory to just fade into

[6:25] history nobody want to confront

[6:32] the

[6:32] hatred that

[6:37] Society helps

[6:40] create it didn't happen in a

[6:47] vacuum I do need to try to have a

[6:51] somewhat normal day today so I'm going

[6:53] to make some coffee and start making

[6:55] breakfast this should be fun I guess

[6:59] see how bubbly my water

[7:01] is

[7:03] busy I have not been able to figure that

[7:06] out I have rinsed it out many times

[7:09] since cleaning them and it's just so

[7:10] fizzy I don't get

[7:13] it all right we're going to make some

[7:19] coffee well I cook some sausage and I

[7:23] wanted you to see

[7:24] this so first you go like this this

[7:27] scared the crap out of me yesterday

[7:30] and then this thing just clicks over I

[7:33] wasn't sure if that was normal or not

[7:36] because I kept trying to put this back

[7:38] to where it says top but now I realize

[7:40] top burner spark is all one

[7:42] thing scared the crap out of me though

[7:45] all right so I'm just going to make some

[7:48] sausage I'll make some

[7:50] eggs um once it's cooked up give got

[7:53] some

[7:54] bacon I legitimately don't know how much

[7:58] propane you're supposed to use use they

[8:00] do have it pretty low I think I mean

[8:04] that's lowest setting

[8:07] but how are you supposed to know where

[8:09] to put this thing this thing's not

[8:12] moving it at all I don't get

[8:14] it low over here

[8:18] oh this is kind of like high light and

[8:21] high oh now I understand

[8:25] okay fascinating

[8:27] [Music]

[8:30] okay so that was a lot of

[8:34] people I didn't realize

[8:38] that I don't know this is all new to

[8:44] me we already cooking

[8:47] though I have never made sausage like

[8:50] this before but I figured I would just

[8:52] treat it like hamburger meat you know

[8:54] and

[8:56] um make little crumbles and put them in

[8:59] a container and mix it in with

[9:03] like I don't know just mix it in with

[9:06] scrambled eggs or

[9:11] something this should be

[9:15] interesting how are you supposed to deal

[9:17] with

[9:18] that I am not a

[9:21] cook where are you supposed to put these

[9:23] in

[9:25] here very problematic

[9:34] okay oh no don't do that thank

[9:37] you where to really put

[9:41] this prob will get better with time

[9:44] [Music]

[9:46] though I think I'll make some bacon too

[9:48] like I'll make all my bacon then just

[9:50] put that into little pieces

[9:54] also my thinking is I want to make

[9:57] cooking simple for me like and also

[10:01] conserve my propane like if I cook

[10:04] everything you know and then just have

[10:06] to warm it up when I make eggs then

[10:08] hopefully I use less propane it's the

[10:11] idea

[10:13] here so yeah I think that's what I'm

[10:15] going to do all right this meals cooked

[10:19] to

[10:19] me not a whole lot of Grease which is

[10:22] pretty

[10:24] neat some not a

[10:27] lot I just got toig figure out how to

[10:29] get it out of the pan this ought to do

[10:33] put it in

[10:36] [Music]

[10:39] there all right let's dry

[10:44] this oh yeah that's what I thought would

[10:46] happen there's nothing heating over here

[10:48] though so

[10:51] [Music]

[11:08] okay so it might be more than

[11:11] [Music]

[11:22] one kind of looks like turkey to me

[11:25] ground turkey when I made chili that

[11:28] Monday there's so little grease I feel

[11:30] like I can just wipe it up with a paper

[11:33] towel I was prepared

[11:38] for um putting it into a

[11:42] can that ought to do probably not the

[11:45] most effective way to cook that I was

[11:48] trying to cook it all at

[11:50] once we'll see how it goes I

[11:54] guess sausage is

[11:56] good um I think I need like

[12:00] some Lids I don't have any lids for this

[12:01] stuff so I might want to find a lid

[12:04] somewhere

[12:05] get something I can put on top of my

[12:08] pants and they cook easier I don't hold

[12:11] out much hope I won't break those yolks

[12:14] but I'm going to

[12:16] try turn the heat up on these to medium

[12:19] because I just felt

[12:22] like I don't know I guess you need a lot

[12:24] of

[12:25] [Music]

[12:27] propane no surprise there I think I

[12:30] saved one of

[12:32] them eat my eggs have my bacon cooking

[12:35] drinking my coffee that's

[12:39] breakfast wasn't a very healthy

[12:41] breakfast but it was

[12:44] breakfast and I cooked

[12:47] myself

[12:50] so I was just thinking if I could bypass

[12:53] this state I would I would just go

[12:56] around it over it

[12:59] anything not to step into it that is how

[13:02] significant it is to me emotionally and

[13:06] psychologically Wyoming is tied up in my

[13:12] identity because of what happened to

[13:14] Matthew chapter

[13:17] there and that tells me a lot tells me

[13:24] that I don't like avoiding things

[13:27] so we try travel through it and I

[13:30] navigate whatever comes up for

[13:33] me there's a lot there's a lot I'm not

[13:35] even saying

[13:38] because it would not be

[13:46] understood there is a part of me

[13:52] that the reason I don't respect my

[13:56] audience or most of humanity is this

[13:59] right

[14:02] here because I know you're part of the

[14:04] problem I know that you contributed to

[14:09] the atmosphere the environment that

[14:12] shaped my

[14:14] life that made me hate

[14:19] myself

[14:25] so and you cannot understand

[14:32] what it feels like to grow up in a world

[14:33] that rejects you so completely over

[14:36] something

[14:38] so

[14:41] unimportant you don't go around talking

[14:43] about your sexuality when you're

[14:45] straight because it's not that big a

[14:47] deal with the fact I'm

[14:50] game somehow that has to shape my entire

[14:53] identity not because I want it to but

[14:56] because you guys Define it that way

[15:03] being gay is just one part of

[15:06] myself and I don't consider it the most

[15:08] important part not by a long

[15:11] shot you guys turn it into

[15:14] something

[15:16] other because that's what you do with

[15:20] everything this will not be an easy day

[15:23] for either of

[15:26] us there's something I haven't said

[15:30] and that's that I hate

[15:35] you because you made me hate

[15:41] me you do not

[15:44] know the harm you

[15:51] do you took something intimate and

[15:55] personal and you fractured it because

[15:59] you fracture

[16:04] everything I hate

[16:07] you and I hate you because you make me

[16:11] hate

[16:12] you I don't live in that

[16:17] space I don't want to be like

[16:23] you you don't deserve anything from me

[16:26] not any emotion nothing

[16:36] your fragmented toxic

[16:40] reality is antithetical to who I am at

[16:44] my core and you have tried to take that

[16:48] from me all of my life and I have

[16:50] rejected

[16:52] it you are the

[16:55] problem not me

[16:59] and not people like me

Energetic Signature raw intensity

Field State threshold crossing

Orientation through trauma toward sovereignty

Summary

rswfire begins early morning (3-4 AM) in Nebraska, preparing to travel into Wyoming. He cooks breakfast (sausage, eggs, bacon) in his RV while learning to use the propane stove. The transmission centers on his deep emotional response to entering Wyoming, which he associates with the 1998 murder of Matthew Shepard. He explains that this hate crime profoundly shaped his life when he was 21 (same age as Shepard). rswfire discusses being gay and the internalized homophobia he experienced growing up. He expresses anger toward his audience, stating he hates them because they contributed to the societal atmosphere that made him hate himself. He describes feeling rejected by a world that fractures everything intimate and personal. Despite wanting to avoid Wyoming entirely, he chooses to travel through it rather than avoid the emotional challenge.

Clusters

Sovereign Journey: Kentucky to Oregon Coast

Signal Analysis

Substrate

This transmission holds the architecture of forced confrontation with systemic violence while maintaining sovereign selfhood. The field is crossing a geographic threshold that activates deep structural trauma, using the crossing as a container for processing societal fracture and personal integrity simultaneously.

Dominant Language

fracture shaped interconnected associate atmosphere/environment reject hate define

Symbolic Elements

threshold crossing container fracture mirror

Ontological States

•
sovereign
•
traumatized
•
confrontational
•
integrating

Subsystems

•
emotional
•
ethical
•
somatic
•
relational
•
cognitive

Signal Reflection

No reflections available

Reflections provide narrative insights into signals

Transmission Details

Source Type

local

Video Quality

1920 × 1080 @ 30fps

Duration

17:02

Bitrate

1,805 kbps

Codec

avc1.640028