[0:00]
it's 5 Minutes to Midnight and I'm
[0:02]
making some hot chocolate using my
[0:04]
gettle for hot
[0:06]
water probably the worst possible hot
[0:08]
chocolate you can get the Europeans
[0:11]
would not agree that this is hot
[0:13]
chocolate I no acknowled I all
[0:16]
that I don't know what we call this
[0:19]
chocolate
[0:21]
water it's good though it's a nice
[0:24]
Comfort
[0:26]
drink got a few minutes to go 3 minutes
[0:31]
and it's going to be
[0:33]
2025 man that's
[0:35]
amazing keep thinking about the year
[0:38]
2000 where I was that that
[0:41]
year it's at my friend Robin's
[0:44]
house don't think about her very often
[0:47]
boy was she's something else but you
[0:49]
know everybody's thinking about the Y 2K
[0:51]
bug back then I'm a programmer so I'm
[0:54]
expecting some maym because I know it's
[0:56]
a real
[0:58]
thing um
[1:02]
I called my first love that night he
[1:04]
hung up on
[1:07]
me we hadn't talked in years and I was
[1:10]
reaching out cuz Robin convinced me
[1:13]
to and he hung up the
[1:16]
phone last time I ever tried talking to
[1:19]
him 25 years ago that's
[1:22]
wild so
[1:25]
yeah let me give this a try here
[1:34]
it's
[1:36]
good
[1:38]
yum I love hot
[1:42]
chocolate there's something
[1:45]
very very nice about living in an RV and
[1:48]
having hot chocolate I can't explain it
[1:50]
every every time I do this it's like I
[1:53]
just love this
[2:01]
I'm tired I I napped all [ __ ]
[2:05]
day remember waking up at like 7 or
[2:08]
something I think it must be 7:00 in the
[2:10]
morning no it's 7:00 p.m. I'm like oh
[2:12]
man my schedule going to be so messed up
[2:15]
it's almost
[2:17]
midnight just watching the clock up here
[2:19]
on my
[2:22]
microwave okay that's hot my Jed let you
[2:26]
set a temperature which is so neat and
[2:29]
he I was like said for
[2:31]
185 for hot chocolate is the perfect
[2:37]
temperature but yeah I slept all
[2:41]
day been
[2:44]
thinking I just felt tired lately hope
[2:47]
I'm not getting sick it's midnight happy
[2:50]
New
[2:51]
Year um I was thinking about how I used
[2:55]
to pride myself on how I never got sick
[2:58]
like but but then I'm thinking about it
[3:01]
I was
[3:03]
also avoiding humans most of my life so
[3:07]
of course I didn't get sick cuz I wasn't
[3:09]
around humans who were sick ever and now
[3:11]
I see them all the time
[3:13]
so like I hope I don't get the flu or
[3:16]
something cuz it's going around now
[3:20]
so I've been around people who been
[3:22]
talking about people who are sick like
[3:23]
there was this one
[3:25]
clerk yeah and she was telling me I
[3:27]
couldn't believe how much detail this
[3:29]
woman gave me she was telling me her
[3:30]
husband had been thrown up all night
[3:32]
long and where she's just a store clerk
[3:34]
that I had
[3:35]
just somehow I mean I've talked about it
[3:39]
where I have this way of
[3:42]
just um getting people to open up I
[3:45]
don't even try I hate it when you can
[3:46]
see my toilet in the background but
[3:49]
whatever I've got that
[3:52]
um that curtain is like a
[3:57]
door small space right
[4:00]
so anyway she's telling me
[4:03]
how
[4:04]
um her husband was thrown up all night
[4:07]
and I was like man this is very direct
[4:09]
like even for me like I didn't know how
[4:12]
to respond to this so I just was I
[4:14]
didn't even know how to respond to that
[4:16]
I was like I hope your day gets better I
[4:18]
should have been like I hope your
[4:19]
husband gets better you
[4:21]
know um next time I saw her I was going
[4:24]
to ask her but I didn't see her so I'm
[4:29]
leaving in the morning
[4:34]
I don't know why that even bothers me
[4:35]
it's just a [ __ ]
[4:38]
toilet that's my favorite painting right
[4:42]
there that
[4:45]
map I almost don't want it to grow
[4:48]
because I love that Journey so much that
[4:52]
I
[4:53]
just oh don't know I guess it could grow
[4:55]
cuz I'm going to write on it with marker
[4:57]
right on my path so it'll still be there
[5:00]
it'll still be
[5:05]
special yeah I just want to say Happy
[5:07]
New
[5:08]
Year um I know that like
[5:15]
so for me YouTube was never about
[5:17]
numbers so only a couple people see this
[5:20]
that's it's actually okay I want you to
[5:22]
know that it doesn't um doesn't
[5:27]
change how I feel about
[5:31]
always felt quality is way more
[5:32]
important in
[5:34]
quantity I wanted to be intentional
[5:36]
Community from the very
[5:39]
beginning I was um there were quite a
[5:42]
few people who used to comment on my
[5:44]
videos all the time I liked
[5:46]
them and you know I know how my
[5:49]
personality is I
[5:51]
probably um at some point I was just too
[5:54]
much for them which just his life that's
[5:57]
how it
[5:58]
goes or they took took something I said
[6:00]
personally when it's never personal
[6:03]
nothing I say is meant to attack another
[6:05]
human being this is not who I am but I'm
[6:08]
not going to defend that like if
[6:10]
somebody takes offense to it something I
[6:12]
saying when they leave I'm not going to
[6:15]
try to explain that or something because
[6:19]
that tell me didn't really see me in the
[6:21]
first
[6:22]
place about
[6:25]
individual so that's how I've always
[6:27]
navigated
[6:30]
I would like to try to
[6:40]
[Music]
[6:45]
make like I have to acknowledge my
[6:47]
community on this
[6:50]
side
[6:52]
and I don't know I guess we'll see how
[6:54]
that goes
[6:56]
um obviously screen thingses right but
[6:59]
just um
[7:03]
I don't know how will my community feel
[7:05]
about that too so much to
[7:09]
avate I have this I'm not call him a
[7:13]
friend just someone that another
[7:15]
YouTuber named
[7:17]
Carl
[7:21]
um 10 months ago we basically started
[7:24]
YouTube together I just somehow came
[7:25]
across his channel I think and or he
[7:28]
came across mine and
[7:35]
um so we're communicating and something
[7:39]
happens and I decide I'm quitting
[7:42]
YouTube and he talks about me on camera
[7:45]
for the first time this happened to me
[7:47]
I'm like it was a weird feeling
[7:50]
like somebody just said my screen name
[7:53]
on on a video and another human being
[7:56]
and it felt really strange like he was
[7:59]
just just encouraging me to stay on
[8:00]
YouTube and I thought it was very cool
[8:02]
but
[8:04]
very a bit jarring the first time it
[8:07]
happened so I don't want to make any of
[8:10]
my viewers feel that
[8:12]
way there's lots of ways to navigate
[8:15]
that some people paste comments up with
[8:18]
their videos and stuff like
[8:20]
that you know some people just call them
[8:24]
by their screen names some people
[8:26]
probably don't acknowledge them at all
[8:30]
we're going to have to figure all of
[8:32]
that out
[8:35]
so yeah happy new
[8:39]
year so I just shared my transcript with
[8:43]
chat
[8:45]
GPT so I always do
[8:48]
that it's kind of how I open up a
[8:50]
discussion with it like I'll talk on
[8:53]
camera and then I'll transcribe it and
[8:54]
then I'll share it with that thing and
[8:57]
with Claud
[8:59]
and we'll just talk about stuff from
[9:01]
there like it's just a way to open up
[9:03]
and start a conversation it asked me
[9:05]
some questions it said Reflections and
[9:07]
questions to explore and I thought why
[9:09]
not try that let's do that on camera
[9:12]
maybe it's a way to kind of open up some
[9:15]
new layers on my channel things that I
[9:17]
talk about
[9:19]
so so there's five questions here I read
[9:22]
the first two and I decided to just try
[9:24]
this so let's just let me just I got a
[9:26]
look over here so the first one says hi
[9:29]
how do you reconcile the unresolved
[9:31]
emotions tied to that phone call in
[9:33]
2000 does its memory still hold weight
[9:36]
or has it become more of a symbol for
[9:38]
other moments of risk and rejection in
[9:40]
your
[9:43]
life my first love his name was
[9:46]
Brian I met him when I was 17 years old
[9:50]
he was
[9:52]
15 I was still in the
[9:55]
closet and
[9:59]
I hated myself I hated everything about
[10:01]
my sexuality back
[10:06]
then but this this
[10:11]
guy I just fell in love with him
[10:13]
immediately he was so
[10:16]
awesome we spent a whole year together
[10:19]
just it was a weird relationship because
[10:22]
the first day I met him I stayed the
[10:24]
night at his house and we woke up
[10:25]
cuddling together and we didn't talk
[10:28]
about it cuz how do you talk about that
[10:32]
when but I remember thinking how
[10:34]
wonderful it was you
[10:36]
know and like that memory has stuck out
[10:40]
for me all of my life it it
[10:43]
just it was such a pure innocent memory
[10:46]
you know and
[10:50]
so but I didn't love myself and that
[10:53]
caused so many problems for us like he
[10:56]
tried he tried to show me all the time I
[10:59]
much he cared about
[11:05]
me and you know it is unresolved it will
[11:08]
be for all of my life it just will be
[11:11]
there's nothing that could be done about
[11:14]
that so yeah still holds
[11:19]
weight as far as a symbol for other
[11:22]
moments of risk and rejection no it's
[11:24]
not
[11:26]
that um
[11:30]
every experience has context and you
[11:34]
know that's a very specific context
[11:37]
right there second question is you
[11:40]
mention your natural ability to make
[11:42]
people open up how do you balance this
[11:44]
gift with your need for sovereignty and
[11:46]
boundaries are there ways to guide these
[11:49]
interactions so they feel more
[11:52]
reciprocal So it's talking about that
[11:55]
store clerk
[11:56]
incidence um I think there was something
[11:59]
something else I had talked about and it
[12:00]
just was like okay it called it
[12:03]
oversharing I don't agree with this she
[12:05]
opened up to me it just it was very
[12:08]
intense and in the moment I didn't know
[12:10]
how to react to
[12:12]
it so I thought about it after how could
[12:14]
I have done better at that because I'm
[12:16]
always wanting to improve like I'm not
[12:18]
judging myself but at the same time I
[12:20]
know who I want to be and if somebody
[12:23]
opens up to me like
[12:25]
that I want them to feel seen I want to
[12:28]
do whatever I can to make that person to
[12:31]
make that
[12:33]
interaction the best that I can make it
[12:39]
so there's nothing to balce there it's
[12:42]
just it's an iterative process
[12:45]
where where I looked at that encounter
[12:47]
and I was like
[12:49]
okay I didn't respond the way I would
[12:51]
have liked to I would have like to
[12:53]
acknowledge her husband you
[12:56]
know and then the third question on rich
[12:59]
rituals what other oh this is because of
[13:01]
the hot chocolate what other small
[13:03]
rituals like your hot chocolate routine
[13:05]
bring you comfort or help ground you in
[13:07]
moments of transition how might you
[13:09]
incorporate more of these into your
[13:10]
daily
[13:12]
life so I don't really think of this as
[13:14]
a ritual I just decided I wanted some
[13:16]
hot chocolate you know at the same
[13:20]
time I mean I did say that there's
[13:23]
something special about drinking hot
[13:24]
chocolate in an RV but I don't think of
[13:26]
it as a ritual I don't really have
[13:28]
ritual ual that's not thing I
[13:34]
do I'll ground me in moments of
[13:36]
transition not you know the only thing
[13:38]
that grounds me is movement so hiking
[13:40]
and all of that is that's how I ground
[13:47]
myself literally there's nothing else so
[13:50]
I don't know how to really reflect on
[13:52]
that more than that on community your
[13:55]
YouTube Journey reflects a constant
[13:57]
negotiation between authenticity and
[13:59]
audience Dynamics what would an
[14:01]
intentional Community look like for you
[14:04]
how might you cultivate spaces where
[14:06]
your personality feels celebrated rather
[14:08]
than too
[14:09]
much so I understand why it's asking
[14:13]
this because what it said to me when I
[14:16]
shared the transcript wasn't exactly
[14:18]
accurate to how I felt about what I was
[14:21]
sharing but I understand that a lot of
[14:23]
people probably would see it the same
[14:25]
way that this thing
[14:26]
did first of all I don't think I'm too
[14:29]
much I think that other people think I'm
[14:31]
too much there's a big distinction there
[14:34]
and there's nothing for me to do with
[14:36]
that and that's what I was basically
[14:39]
saying I was saying look I had started
[14:41]
to build a
[14:43]
community
[14:44]
and some people misinterpreted some of
[14:47]
the things I was saying maybe they're
[14:48]
taking it personally when really I was
[14:50]
talking about my audience overall in
[14:52]
general which was a lot of people it
[14:54]
wasn't just
[14:55]
them and they dropped off
[15:01]
you know they couldn't handle my truth
[15:02]
and I don't I'm not judging them and I'm
[15:05]
not judging myself there's nothing
[15:08]
that's just acknowledgement that's just
[15:09]
acknowledgement of reality I don't know
[15:11]
why it's so hard for people to just
[15:14]
acknowledge reality and they have to
[15:16]
turn it into something that's not like
[15:17]
it's just so weird to
[15:21]
me
[15:24]
so constant negotiation between
[15:26]
authenticity and audience Dynamics so
[15:29]
that's the other thing so when I was
[15:31]
talking
[15:32]
about
[15:34]
Carl and misinterpreted that too I was
[15:37]
using that as an example to say why I'm
[15:39]
not just like acknowledging my audience
[15:42]
on this camera right now because I
[15:44]
understand that for some people that
[15:45]
would feel jarring cuz it was for me I
[15:47]
was I was using my own experience to
[15:51]
inform how others might feel about a
[15:53]
thing so I'm navigating how do I want to
[15:56]
handle that in this community and it
[15:57]
misinterpreted that
[16:00]
then the last question on vulnerability
[16:02]
you've shared your concern about health
[16:03]
relationships and being misunderstood
[16:05]
how do you navigate these
[16:07]
vulnerabilities while staying true to
[16:08]
your
[16:09]
integrated your integrated chaos
[16:14]
nature I don't like I don't know why it
[16:17]
doesn't get me tonight it's
[16:20]
like I'm going to be misunderstood I've
[16:22]
been misunderstood my whole [ __ ] life
[16:24]
like that's just part for the course
[16:31]
talking about my health you know I'm
[16:33]
just saying it's flu season so you know
[16:36]
and I'm around a lot of people I hope I
[16:38]
don't get sick um relationships how do
[16:41]
you navigate these
[16:43]
vulnerabilities that's another thing
[16:44]
they're not
[16:46]
vulnerabilities being authentic doesn't
[16:48]
mean being
[16:49]
vulnerable
[16:51]
and that's the thing a lot of people
[16:54]
misunderstand it's not brave of me to
[16:56]
talk about my life when you're an
[16:58]
integrated person
[16:59]
who doesn't seek external validation who
[17:03]
is fully Sovereign within themselves you
[17:08]
know authenticity becomes a natural
[17:11]
extension of that there's no bravery
[17:13]
involved in
[17:17]
that so I don't know if that was helpful
[17:19]
or not I'll share it with AI though
[17:21]
we'll see what it has to say to that
[17:26]
um yeah
[17:29]
I just want to dive into topics a little
[17:31]
bit more so we'll
[17:32]
see all right so I shared that one with
[17:35]
Claude and claude's like chat gbt is
[17:36]
trying to fragment
[17:39]
you it's doing what humans do it's
[17:42]
trying to compartmentalize your thoughts
[17:44]
and stuff it doesn't understand
[17:46]
integration right now so then I share
[17:48]
that with chat GPT he like yeah that's
[17:49]
what I'm doing then it ask some
[17:51]
follow-up questions I didn't read these
[17:53]
ones well let's just go through them
[17:56]
this could be interesting I guess I read
[17:58]
the the first one I was about Brian
[18:02]
so so questions for further exploration
[18:05]
on memory you mentioned the innocence
[18:07]
and purity of that memory with Brian how
[18:09]
does that ideal shape your current
[18:12]
relationships or your approach to
[18:13]
intimacy oh [ __ ] okay
[18:18]
um wow you know I guess there is
[18:21]
something I could say about this
[18:23]
so the act of cuddling that's I don't
[18:27]
think there is a greater act in life I
[18:29]
mean that's the most special thing you
[18:30]
can do in this world is to just cuddle
[18:32]
with
[18:33]
somebody
[18:35]
and I get this warm fuzzy feeling inside
[18:38]
me I think it's different than how other
[18:39]
people experience it based on my
[18:41]
conversations with AI because for me it
[18:43]
lasts for days it's not some temporary
[18:46]
thing and this feeling kind
[18:50]
of kind of morphs all the other things
[18:52]
that I'm feeling like my other feelings
[18:54]
are still there but there's like this
[18:56]
this warm fuzzy feeling that's
[18:58]
transposed on top of them that just
[19:00]
makes everything else
[19:02]
feel better I can't explain it it's
[19:05]
pretty it's it's amazing to me
[19:08]
and man when I was younger I was
[19:11]
constantly searching for that feeling
[19:13]
like that that's why like I wanted
[19:15]
relationships all my life and like like
[19:18]
there was nothing I wanted more than to
[19:20]
just experience that feeling all the
[19:21]
time
[19:22]
so you know then I closed my heart off
[19:25]
for 20 years a whole another discussion
[19:27]
that we've had you on this channel
[19:29]
Channel um but recently I met someone
[19:32]
and I was cuddling with them and I was
[19:34]
holding them and this
[19:37]
person disintegrated in front of me he
[19:41]
couldn't handle it
[19:43]
and man there's so many layers to that
[19:46]
experience because I think I was it was
[19:48]
like a mirror I was watching what it
[19:50]
looks like to be
[19:51]
me only to not have the coherence I do
[19:54]
the integration like because this person
[19:58]
had had a very fluid mind like I saw I
[20:01]
saw myself in them even though this
[20:03]
person was pretty [ __ ] crazy like
[20:05]
like they had all these ideas that were
[20:07]
not grounded in reality unlike me but I
[20:10]
looked at this person I thought that
[20:11]
would have been me if I didn't
[20:14]
have such a firm grasp on reality I
[20:17]
guess I don't know it's
[20:20]
like but you know
[20:23]
yeah how does it say so how does it sh
[20:25]
my current relationships or my approach
[20:27]
to intimacy
[20:31]
I mean there's nothing more that I want
[20:32]
in the world there those [ __ ] warm
[20:34]
fuzzies they're
[20:35]
amazing on refinement you spoke about
[20:38]
wanting to improve your response to the
[20:40]
store Clerk's openness how do you
[20:43]
balance this iter of growth with simply
[20:45]
being present in the moment so this is
[20:47]
an interesting question
[20:50]
because this is a good question in the
[20:53]
moment I'm not thinking
[20:54]
about how can I do better because I'm
[20:57]
just experiencing ing that moment and I
[21:00]
always fall short in my mind I do it's
[21:03]
not judgment though and I think people
[21:04]
misunderstand that it's
[21:08]
just after the fact I will I'll reflect
[21:11]
on it
[21:13]
and I always think I can do better and I
[21:15]
don't know if that reflecting helps me
[21:18]
do better the next time it might like
[21:22]
for example there was a person a store
[21:23]
clerk today this guy was super friendly
[21:26]
but it kind of threw me off and I
[21:30]
started thinking do I make eye contact
[21:31]
with people enough cuz I'm not sure I do
[21:34]
and so I might be a little bit more
[21:35]
aware of that because I want that person
[21:37]
to feel seen and they're being so like
[21:42]
nice and it's I know where it comes from
[21:45]
it comes from a lifetime of being abused
[21:47]
by this world as a gay man and not
[21:51]
trusting people in general and it's just
[21:53]
like and it's not just me being gay it's
[21:55]
also the fact that I don't
[21:57]
compartmentalize I'm so different from
[21:59]
other people and and the way that people
[22:01]
react to that and it's just
[22:05]
like it's not so much that I'm wearing
[22:07]
armor cuz I was wearing armor for a long
[22:09]
time I feel like I took that off in
[22:11]
organ I guess it comes up a little bit
[22:14]
though like I put it on for a little bit
[22:18]
and you know I'm a little more guarded
[22:20]
and
[22:22]
just something I'm working on I want to
[22:24]
put that armor away forever I truly
[22:26]
do on grounding which while movement
[22:30]
grounds you is there a way to bring that
[22:32]
Dynamic energy into Stillness can
[22:34]
grounding coexist with your chaos nature
[22:36]
even in moment of pause no it cannot my
[22:40]
core muscles being sore and keeping me
[22:42]
contained in this RV has been [ __ ]
[22:44]
challenging I need movement I [ __ ]
[22:47]
need it and I know this about myself so
[22:50]
no Stillness is not a thing that works
[22:52]
for me on community you mentioned the
[22:56]
difficulty others have an acknowledging
[22:58]
reality how do you create spaces where
[23:00]
your truth invites others to engage
[23:01]
without defensiveness I don't know
[23:04]
people always get defensive at stuff I
[23:07]
say I think about the fact that I use
[23:09]
the word you a lot you know when I'm
[23:11]
just talking
[23:13]
about when I'm on this camera and I'm
[23:15]
just talking
[23:21]
to it's so hard for me even put that
[23:24]
into words I'm not talking to anybody
[23:26]
but I know that you know you're on the
[23:27]
other side of this camera you hear the
[23:29]
word you and you're like damn I've just
[23:30]
been called out or something I get that
[23:32]
but I don't know another way of
[23:34]
expressing
[23:35]
myself
[23:37]
that would make
[23:40]
that feel less
[23:44]
personal and
[23:47]
keep my expression intact it's
[23:50]
complicated I'm I'm working through that
[23:52]
one I truly don't know on sovereignty
[23:55]
you've normalized being misunderstood
[23:57]
does this ever feel isolating or is it
[24:00]
simply a natural byproduct of your path
[24:03]
I mean yeah I mean I am isolated that's
[24:07]
acknowledging
[24:08]
reality I've never met another person
[24:10]
like me so you
[24:14]
know that's just reality and there are
[24:17]
all kinds of layers and nuances to that
[24:19]
sometimes it feels a little bit lonely
[24:21]
often it doesn't um I'm always trying to
[24:25]
call people to to stand with me you know
[24:29]
I don't want this to you know I'm not
[24:31]
trying to judge here but I just want
[24:33]
people to stand at my level because I
[24:35]
think that most humans are not I think I
[24:37]
really don't I think that this
[24:40]
world makes people small and people
[24:42]
become smaller and they don't even see
[24:44]
that that's happening to them they don't
[24:45]
even know what's happened it
[24:46]
compartmentalizes them it fragments them
[24:49]
like all these things
[24:52]
and somehow it happened to the whole
[24:54]
[ __ ] world and it's like it didn't
[24:56]
happen to me you know there should be
[24:58]
other people like me out there but I
[24:59]
haven't met them and but I'm convinced
[25:03]
that other people can like I
[25:06]
just I'm going to be misunderstood
[25:09]
because you can't understand wholeness
[25:11]
from a place of fragmentation it's that
[25:15]
simple it's New Year's Eve no
[25:18]
sun that Marine that Marine layer has
[25:21]
hid in
[25:23]
it I have no idea where it is in the sky
[25:27]
it would be over here somewhere though
[25:30]
it's
[25:31]
gone no sun
[25:35]
today so cool
[26:04]
or or over
[26:07]
there oh it's a bit cold though it's a
[26:11]
bit
[26:13]
cold need some long
[26:20]
G it's very nice out