[0:01]
So, it's 9:00 p.m.
[0:03]
here.
[0:05]
9:22. That's the time I was
[0:10]
born. According to my birth
[0:19]
certificate, letting my space
[0:24]
this I like it. You can control the sh,
[0:28]
you know, you can shape your light if
[0:30]
you need
[0:31]
to come up a little higher. Even be a
[0:34]
little bit
[0:40]
brighter. Side.
[0:44]
Okay. Make it
[0:50]
brighter. But this is good enough for me
[0:52]
for right now. That's my power supply.
[0:58]
Let me show you the
[1:02]
display. Get better at this with
[1:05]
time. 92%. It's charged my phone for me
[1:10]
while I was sleeping. I took a nap. Went
[1:12]
to sleep around
[1:14]
7. Right now, it says that it it's got
[1:17]
enough battery power that'll last
[1:18]
another 41
[1:20]
hours. My phone's hooked up to it, but
[1:22]
my phone's not charging from it because
[1:24]
it's full. So that's just based on the
[1:28]
light. As I use my devices and need to
[1:31]
connect them to that thing, it'll
[1:33]
obviously use use its
[1:37]
power. But I get a day out of that
[1:39]
thing. That is pretty damn good. I get a
[1:43]
second one of those. Already been
[1:45]
thinking about
[1:47]
that. And I could put out the other end
[1:50]
of my space here.
[1:53]
I've got what I need. I've already got
[1:56]
what I need. This right here is
[1:58]
enough. But I'm always thinking about
[2:02]
expansion. It's definitely how my brain
[2:09]
works. So, I want to
[2:11]
reflect on my first
[2:15]
night as a fully autonomous sovereign
[2:18]
being because that's what I am.
[2:22]
living off
[2:24]
grid. My first night off
[2:27]
grid. Yeah, I'm in a park. I'm at a
[2:29]
campground. It's National Forest
[2:32]
Campground right on the coast. The ocean
[2:35]
is right out
[2:38]
there. I don't know if it's in walking
[2:41]
distance. It might be, might not be. I
[2:44]
don't know. It is very close. I could
[2:46]
drive to it.
[2:48]
It's less than a mile at the most.
[2:54]
There's not a lot of activity out there
[2:56]
on this campground. There are people
[2:59]
here. Um I think I've got a couple of
[3:02]
neighbors, you know, within a couple of
[3:03]
sightes of me, but around me there's
[3:06]
nobody really. It's a nice spot. Um it's
[3:11]
private or, you know,
[3:13]
semi-private. Private
[3:16]
enough. Old me a year ago when I
[3:19]
embarked on this journey. would
[3:22]
have probably framed this place very
[3:26]
differently than the version of me now
[3:30]
is. I'm open to connection with
[3:34]
people. I'm willing to be witnessed by
[3:38]
them, to be
[3:40]
visible, far less afraid.
[3:53]
secure on
[3:58]
myself. All me who embarked on this
[4:00]
journey was
[4:04]
not. I shared that journey with my
[4:07]
audience for over a
[4:09]
year cuz I started my channel in
[4:12]
February last year. I moved into my RV
[4:15]
on my birthday. That's less than a week
[4:16]
from now. It's
[4:18]
Friday. It's a week from
[4:26]
today. I've come a long way. Very proud
[4:29]
of
[4:31]
myself. And I did exactly what I set out
[4:33]
to do, which
[4:35]
was to transform my life and to share it
[4:38]
with others so that they knew it was
[4:39]
possible for them, too. And most people
[4:42]
did not see it. They were so stuck on
[4:45]
the superficial layer on me adapting on
[4:48]
me
[4:52]
learning that they never saw it. That
[4:55]
was
[4:57]
frustrating. But
[4:59]
now I don't care anymore. You're either
[5:03]
going to get it or you're not.
[5:09]
I'll keep posting
[5:11]
because I don't really do it I don't do
[5:14]
it for validation. I don't do it for
[5:19]
um any of the shallow reasons
[5:22]
that people generally post
[5:24]
It's not why I do it. It was never
[5:28]
why I did it.
[5:36]
Maybe at some
[5:38]
point you all will actually
[5:41]
believe
[5:44]
that. Maybe you never will. It doesn't
[5:48]
matter. I am parked in a national forest
[5:53]
right
[5:55]
now on a campsite that has no power, no
[5:58]
water.
[6:01]
I'm sitting in my bed, my shitty
[6:04]
bed that I've been complaining about for
[6:06]
a
[6:07]
year, but it's still my space, this
[6:10]
little al cove. Very comfortable,
[6:14]
illuminated by this single light on my
[6:17]
power
[6:18]
supply. No
[6:20]
heat. Didn't bother to bring that out.
[6:24]
It's a little bit
[6:26]
cold, but it's not going to get any
[6:28]
colder than it is now because I'm on the
[6:31]
coast. The climate here
[6:34]
is stable largely as far as
[6:41]
temperature and I'm comfortable under my
[6:43]
blankets. If I needed heat, it would be
[6:47]
to heat the space, not to heat this
[6:51]
microclimate here that I'm laying in
[6:53]
right now. Very
[6:59]
comfortable. My needs are met. I met my
[7:02]
own
[7:05]
needs. I don't need more than this.
[7:13]
really sit with those
[7:16]
words because I don't think most people
[7:18]
could say
[7:21]
that. They need to be in their big
[7:23]
houses, sitting in their big comfy
[7:27]
chairs, tuning out, watching a
[7:30]
television, watching
[7:36]
YouTube, taking all kinds of drugs to
[7:39]
numb their minds and their bodies.
[7:45]
tuning
[7:46]
out everything, including the connection
[7:49]
between us, by the
[7:52]
way, cuz you're not even really
[7:55]
here. I've tried to bring you into the
[8:00]
same field as
[8:01]
me, but you're not
[8:05]
here because you're not very alive
[8:08]
inside.
[8:16]
This isn't
[8:21]
judgment. Something far
[8:30]
worse. It's
[8:33]
mourning for what could have
[8:35]
been, what should have been.
[8:40]
Cuz I want you to be as alive as I
[8:48]
am. Cuz I want to meet that
[8:50]
person. I want that person in my
[8:58]
life. I see that
[9:01]
potential and it's glorious.
[9:10]
But I can't do anything to help you meet
[9:14]
me where I am. You have to decide to do
[9:21]
that. And I can't wait for
[9:28]
you. But I guess I will hold space for
[9:31]
you. Think I always have.
[9:36]
Maybe some of
[9:38]
you will eventually see
[9:43]
that cuz I was never judging
[9:47]
you. I was judging how small you let
[9:50]
yourself
[9:53]
be, knowing that you don't have to be
[9:55]
that
[10:00]
small. And I know you sit there and you
[10:04]
judge
[10:05]
me. Lately, I've been asking for help
[10:07]
cuz I need it. Still need it. But that
[10:10]
doesn't make me
[10:12]
small. Asking for help, that doesn't
[10:15]
make me small. That tells me I know what
[10:17]
my needs are and I'm trying to meet
[10:21]
them. In one way or another, I
[10:25]
will. I'm inviting you into my
[10:30]
space. It's glorious
[10:34]
here. So, my internet is terrible
[10:38]
here on my phone. That's one thing I'm
[10:41]
going to want to
[10:42]
solve. Got this video to
[10:46]
upload. And I'm hungry. I don't have my
[10:49]
food situation sorted here yet. So, I'm
[10:51]
going to drive into town, get some Taco
[10:53]
Bell in Florence.
[10:56]
and I'll upload my video there.
[10:59]
Iteration, everything happens one day at
[11:02]
a time.
[11:03]
And I trust the field. I trust myself. I
[11:06]
trust the field I'm
[11:09]
creating. It'll all work
[11:12]
out. Yeah.
[11:19]
Well, really need to think
[11:22]
about what it means to have me in your
[11:25]
life because that's a gift. You
[11:29]
should honor
[11:30]
it. So, you probably won't be able to
[11:33]
pick this up very well. Maybe you can
[11:35]
hear the
[11:39]
ocean. It's right there. It's wonderful.
[11:43]
Got the moon up there. I can't show any
[11:45]
of this to you on my screen. I'm sorry.
[11:47]
I wish I
[11:49]
could,
[11:52]
stars, frogs, I guess. Probably frogs. I
[11:56]
don't
[11:58]
know. Nice
[12:04]
night. Definitely going to spend some
[12:06]
time out here. I'm not real set up yet.
[12:08]
It's a long day.
[12:11]
I need some food
[12:15]
and you
[12:17]
know everything in
[12:25]
time. Yeah, that ocean's very close.
[12:29]
I'll figure out how close
[12:36]
tomorrow. Not trying to be arrogant, you
[12:38]
know. That's not what this is. This is
[12:41]
just
[12:44]
me honing myself without apology. Why
[12:48]
the should I
[12:51]
apologize? I know what I offer this
[12:53]
world. I know what I can offer you. I
[12:56]
know what I want to
[12:58]
build. I want to help
[13:00]
you. But you have to get out of your
[13:03]
head and realize that maybe I
[13:05]
actually know something you
[13:07]
don't. I have been trying to show my
[13:11]
audience this for a year. I'm sick of
[13:14]
the doubt. I'm sick of the
[13:16]
Trying to bring the right
[13:18]
people into my fields now. I won't
[13:22]
apologize. Won't make myself smaller. I
[13:28]
won't I won't even speak to those who
[13:32]
who can't see it at this point because
[13:35]
we are moving into a new world.
[13:39]
And you're going to need some of the
[13:40]
skills that I have been trying to learn
[13:42]
myself for the past year. You're going
[13:45]
to
[13:46]
need the resilience that I've built.
[13:50]
Going to need to evolve like I
[13:53]
have. And I'll help you get
[13:57]
there. And we do that in a relational
[14:00]
field. Your money, my time.
[14:08]
That's what I need. That's what I want.
[14:09]
That's what I
[14:13]
deserve. And that's what your growth is
[14:18]
worth. This is interesting. I'll just
[14:21]
put the screen on this way. So, there's
[14:23]
something on the screen. Um, there's a
[14:25]
bunch of cars here. Showed up while I
[14:27]
was sleeping, I guess.
[14:30]
Um, which tells me that this is where
[14:32]
people are coming to um, you know, to
[14:35]
survive
[14:37]
uh, at night when um, you know, like van
[14:41]
lifers or but not really car campers is
[14:43]
what they
[14:44]
are. Um, this is what it looks like to
[14:46]
be on the edge of society, on the edge
[14:48]
of
[14:51]
survival. And more and more people are
[14:54]
going to end up there. That's what I've
[14:56]
always been expecting.
[15:02]
And that's what I've been trying to help
[15:03]
my audience prepare
[15:06]
for. But you know, most people don't
[15:08]
believe it. I don't know how that's even
[15:11]
possible. You could be just watching the
[15:13]
news and see
[15:14]
it. I mean, things are getting
[15:17]
destabilized faster and faster cuz you
[15:19]
all the dumbest on the
[15:22]
planet. It's just escalating everything,
[15:24]
accelerating it all.
[15:28]
And you know I've been saying that for
[15:31]
the past
[15:32]
year that people doubt me is something
[15:35]
I've never
[15:37]
understood. I am here to do good
[15:41]
work for myself for
[15:49]
others as
[15:52]
myself. you know, and you all have to
[15:54]
stop judging and start
[15:57]
listening. I'll leave it at there.
[16:00]
Actually, I'll say one last
[16:02]
thing. If you're still doubting that
[16:05]
I've actually been saying these things
[16:07]
for the past year, just go through my
[16:08]
playlist, Kentucky to Oregon. Every
[16:11]
single one of those videos is full of me
[16:14]
talking about the problems that we have.
[16:17]
I shed all of it on my way to Oregon.
[16:21]
I'm a different person now. It's still
[16:23]
me, but things happened here that
[16:26]
changed me, that opened me up in ways
[16:29]
that I never expected. But that's what
[16:32]
integration looks
[16:33]
like. I had to shed all the in
[16:36]
order to bring myself to a point where I
[16:40]
was ready to open myself back up to
[16:42]
others. And that's what I did. I love
[16:47]
myself. I know exactly the process I put
[16:50]
myself through. I'm going to share that
[16:52]
with you
[16:54]
all. That's the plan. That's what this
[16:57]
project that I'm working on is
[17:04]
about. Watch that playlist. Actually,
[17:07]
watch it this time. I know it's
[17:09]
hard to to watch some of my videos.
[17:11]
They're long. Talk about a lot of
[17:14]
things. I'm not
[17:15]
structured. But that's not what real
[17:17]
life looks like. I'm not here
[17:19]
performing. I'm here sharing so much
[17:22]
with you. You have to be willing to sit
[17:25]
with
[17:27]
it. Cuz it's all there. That
[17:33]
playlist. It's one of the few things
[17:36]
that I kept public. I mean, I have over
[17:40]
650 videos. Most of them you can't even
[17:42]
see anymore. Still have them.
[17:44]
Eventually, I'll put them back up under
[17:46]
my subscription service. But the ones
[17:48]
that I thought were important, I kept
[17:51]
those open for
[17:53]
y'all. That playlist is
[17:57]
gold. The 101 is beautiful at
[18:01]
night. I don't know how much I could
[18:04]
really show you. There's a lake over
[18:05]
here, but the lights are pretty. We're
[18:07]
just heading into Florence. I don't have
[18:10]
anything else to share. I'm just going
[18:12]
to share my drive with you.
[18:15]
It's going to be low cloudy because
[18:17]
right now I got to upload in the lowest
[18:19]
quality I
[18:23]
can. Well, this is a wonderful moment.
[18:26]
I'm just sharing it with
[18:27]
you. This is one of the things I've
[18:30]
always loved about myself. There was a
[18:32]
time when I was in
[18:34]
Brookings like 6 months ago and I drove
[18:38]
all the way into California to get some
[18:40]
food. So, I was hungry.
[18:43]
go quite a long
[18:44]
distance. You know, middle of the night,
[18:46]
it must have been 3:00 in the morning, I
[18:48]
text this guy, his name is Brian,
[18:51]
um somebody that I had met on the coast.
[18:53]
I don't know if I doubt anybody would
[18:56]
remember him, but I he was just this guy
[18:58]
who
[19:00]
um was talking to me one day and I had
[19:03]
just gotten this happened just after
[19:07]
um just after I had that moment where a
[19:11]
gay house attendant had flirted with me
[19:13]
and I spent a week processing that and I
[19:15]
just opened up inside. Then this man
[19:18]
appears talking to me one day at a day
[19:20]
use area and I didn't really open up to
[19:22]
him and I left but he had told me about
[19:25]
his work. He was basically a car camper
[19:28]
himself. He was a van lifer and he was
[19:31]
working on the 101 as a flagger.
[19:34]
Somebody who just
[19:37]
um controls traffic, you know, while
[19:40]
they're doing construction. He's got to
[19:42]
sit there for 8 hours in his vehicle.
[19:44]
and he worked the night shift and he had
[19:46]
told me all of this. And I woke up that
[19:48]
morning and I went I drove all the way
[19:50]
up to see him like an hour later. I took
[19:52]
him out to breakfast. I told him I had
[19:54]
forgotten to take my armor
[19:56]
off
[19:59]
and I saw that hit him like cuz he's
[20:02]
never heard someone talk like that
[20:04]
before. And I said, "Do you want to go
[20:05]
get some breakfast?" He says yes. He
[20:07]
doesn't even hesitate, you know. He
[20:10]
doesn't he just it was a it was
[20:14]
wonderful. And so anyways, a few days
[20:18]
later,
[20:20]
um I decide I want to get some food. So
[20:22]
I text him and I tell him what I'm doing
[20:24]
cuz you know I'm thinking maybe this
[20:26]
man's a new friend and he can witness
[20:27]
me. But his reaction wasn't very good
[20:30]
because he was trying to give me advice
[20:32]
and also he was talking to me about
[20:34]
like I don't even remember what he said
[20:37]
but it was like okay this clearly wasn't
[20:40]
the connection I was hoping it would be
[20:43]
you know and I accepted
[20:45]
that. I've always just wanted people in
[20:48]
my life
[20:50]
who who can just witness me, don't try
[20:53]
to change me, don't try to give me
[20:55]
advice or redirect me, who, you know, I
[20:59]
could text at 3:00 in the morning, say,
[21:01]
"You want to run into California and get
[21:03]
some food?" And they're like, "Yes,
[21:04]
let's
[21:06]
go." But it's so rare to find people
[21:08]
like
[21:10]
that. I had to accept that. It's It's
[21:14]
unfortunate. gonna be 48 years old in
[21:16]
less than a week and I'm still like this
[21:19]
because I never let this world take the
[21:21]
good things from
[21:23]
me. There was a time though when I lived
[21:27]
in my
[21:29]
house where I did make myself so much
[21:32]
smaller where I tried to live like the
[21:35]
rest of you all and that nearly killed
[21:37]
me. It took my teeth from me is what it
[21:40]
did to me. That it's like a battle scar.
[21:44]
Every time I do think about that, that's
[21:46]
what I think about what making yourself
[21:49]
smaller, medicating
[21:55]
yourself, the containment that they put
[21:58]
you through, what it does to you, what
[22:00]
it does to your
[22:02]
health. I will never ever let that
[22:05]
happen again. And my teeth are the
[22:08]
reminder.
[22:16]
disembodied. I do see where my life is
[22:18]
leading me, where I'm leading
[22:21]
it. And I've always known and I I tried
[22:25]
for a very long time to resist it for
[22:28]
many reasons. And I'm sure I'll get more
[22:30]
formal and talk about all of that at
[22:32]
some
[22:33]
point. But I've always been here to help
[22:36]
other people. It's like I always known
[22:40]
that I'm going to I'm a
[22:42]
trailblazer. Other people are going to
[22:44]
have to walk the path that I've already
[22:46]
walked and I can make it easier for them
[22:49]
because I've already walked it. I've
[22:51]
made the mistakes. I've learned the
[22:53]
lessons. You're still going to have to
[22:56]
make your own mistakes, learn your own
[22:58]
lessons.
[22:59]
That's
[23:02]
life.
[23:04]
But you know, having a guide that can be
[23:07]
very
[23:08]
helpful. That can make all the
[23:10]
difference in the
[23:12]
world.
[23:14]
Um, not for me cuz I've never wanted
[23:17]
that,
[23:19]
but for most
[23:21]
people. So, here's Florence. It's
[23:24]
unfortunate that you know these cameras
[23:26]
don't do so good at you know night
[23:27]
vision or whatever. That's okay. That's
[23:30]
a pretty view. You could see that one.
[23:32]
There's a there's a lake over there or a
[23:34]
river. It's a river. Forget the name of
[23:37]
it.
[23:39]
Um yeah, I don't remember. It's just
[23:42]
some river. It's not the ocean. Let's
[23:45]
put it that
[23:47]
way. So, we're just going to head
[23:49]
through town and get some Taco Bell cuz
[23:50]
I know they're open till midnight.
[23:52]
There's a man who works there that
[23:55]
um I've had a couple moments with this
[23:58]
guy. Um very very flirtatious moments
[24:02]
every time I'm there. He's probably
[24:04]
there. So that'll be fun, I guess. Maybe
[24:08]
maybe we'll go a little bit further this
[24:11]
time cuz it feels like feels like he's
[24:14]
just very nervous. He doesn't know how
[24:16]
to interact with me and I haven't really
[24:18]
pushed him because he's too young. He's
[24:21]
too young, but it's still fun. And
[24:24]
obviously the man is an adult, but he's
[24:26]
saying, you know, I'm quite old compared
[24:27]
to him. The guy who works at Taco
[24:31]
Bell. We've had some cute
[24:35]
moments. This, you know, it's nice to be
[24:38]
noticed and it's nice to notice others.
[24:40]
It's a mutual
[24:41]
witnessing. Look at that. We got an ATV
[24:44]
on the road with those stupid ass
[24:45]
lights.
[24:49]
Um, I do love the ATV8s, but you know, I
[24:53]
don't know. Those big string lights,
[24:54]
they just they seem so ostentatious.
[24:57]
It's like having a giant
[25:00]
RV.
[25:01]
Ostentatious. Whoever was here is
[25:03]
already going across the
[25:09]
road. Taco Bell's pretty much at the end
[25:12]
of this um the city here. So, I got a
[25:15]
little bit of a drive. We're almost
[25:21]
there. Go that way to get my ears
[25:24]
pierced. I might pierce my eyebrow a
[25:26]
third time. I don't know. I think about
[25:28]
it sometimes. And it's in Eugene. Howard
[25:32]
that
[25:43]
way. It's a nice night.
[25:46]
after I get some Taco Bell and I'll
[25:48]
probably just head back and
[25:50]
um just chill on my campsite outside.
[25:53]
Maybe get some
[25:54]
firewood. You know, there's a few things
[25:56]
I need to do just to make my life a
[25:59]
little more comfortable, but I mean I
[26:00]
have no power, so I got no lighting
[26:04]
outside.
[26:07]
Um so yeah, I just got to think some
[26:10]
stuff through.
[26:14]
Wish I had my solar. It's so sad. I
[26:16]
mean, I sold that last month. That would
[26:18]
have been such a life affirming thing if
[26:21]
I still had
[26:22]
that. But I will replace it. Th This
[26:26]
shows me just how how important it is
[26:29]
that I do replace it. But also, I was
[26:31]
thinking about it. I sold it just before
[26:34]
they threw me out of the state park
[26:35]
volunteer system because I let myself
[26:38]
get comfortable.
[26:41]
I mean, I must have sold a lesson a week
[26:43]
before they threw me out. And that was
[26:46]
that that's a lesson.
[26:48]
That's the field. That's life telling
[26:52]
me, you know, it's telling me you got to
[26:54]
think think a little differently about
[26:57]
some
[26:58]
things. And I'm definitely integrating
[27:02]
that
[27:02]
lesson. Here's Taco
[27:06]
Bell. I'm hungry.
[27:12]
So, there's my drive through
[27:17]
town. Hi there. Can I get the number
[27:20]
nine, please? Um, one of the tacos can
[27:22]
one be crunchy and one soft and some
[27:25]
mild sauce and then Baja Mountain Dew.
[27:33]
Yes. So, what would you like to drink
[27:34]
with that? Baja Mountain Dew, please.
[27:38]
Paja Mountain Dew. Yeah. All right.
[27:40]
Anything else? That's it. Thanks. All
[27:43]
right. Your total will be 1139 or
[27:46]
something. All right. Thank
[27:49]
you. This is a very tight corner right
[27:53]
here. This is the tightest corner I've
[27:56]
ever seen in a fast food restaurant.
[27:58]
That man's not here. Oh, I'm so sad. It
[28:01]
would have been nice to see him. Oh
[28:03]
well, maybe next time.
[28:07]
[Music]
[28:10]
We're just going to eat in the parking
[28:11]
lot on my video upload.
[28:21]
Hi there. How's it going? Good. How you
[28:23]
doing?
[28:25]
You said 11 something, right? 11:39.
[28:27]
Okay. 22 now.
[28:59]
Thank
[29:01]
you. You want a sausage? Mild, please. I
[29:05]
got a weird request for you. Do you got
[29:06]
any salt packets in there? I don't know
[29:08]
if you really have those at Taco Bell. I
[29:10]
do have salt. Do you? Can I have some?
[29:12]
Thanks. Appreciate it. You want some?
[29:14]
Yeah. Yeah. You said mild? Yeah. Yeah.
[29:36]
Thanks, man. I appreciate it. You,
[29:46]
too. Very tight corner here. Very tight.
[29:50]
I almost hit the wall once with my
[29:52]
jeans. Almost. Couple of
[29:55]
times. Much better. Okay, we're just
[29:58]
going to park over here. I think they're
[30:00]
open till midnight, so we're
[30:03]
good.
[30:05]
And eat my food. So
[30:10]
hungry. Compiled this video. Can't
[30:13]
imagine anyone's going to make it this
[30:15]
far. If you do, let me know. That'd be
[30:17]
funny.